Dealing With Depression
Writing this is the last thing I want to do right now. Today started off well enough, but my mood has taken a turn, and even the simplest tasks seem gargantuan. There are several things that I should be getting done right now, but for some reason, or maybe for no reason, I can’t. I’m hesitant to use the “D“ word, because there are so many people that have it so much worse. I always just chalked it up as a direct reaction to negative things that happened to me. But sitting here and reflecting on the increasing severity and frequency of these moods is forcing me to admit that I do suffer from depression. I guess today’s that day.
I can rationalize all of this to no end. I’ve written at length about the recent events in my life that played a role in the loneliness that I deal with now. The worldwide crisis that has forced us all into isolation doesn’t help, either. As anyone who lives alone right now can relate, I go days and now even weeks between in-person conversations. So while the reasons for feeling this way are obvious, the solution isn’t.
When I’m “at work” digitally interacting with people, I probably seem fine. Hell, when I’m clocked in I actually do feel fine. I love being around my team, and It’s been a decent approximation of the studio where most of my social interaction took place. But even before that was taken away, I spent most nights in a funk. Immobilized on the couch, beating myself up about the productive person I used to be. This doesn’t feel like me, or at least who I always thought I was. I’m starting to realize, though, that it’s not laziness or a lack of discipline. It’s not the loss of my father or marriage, or the normal daily routine which I relied on to keep balance. It’s a deeper, persistent problem created as a consequence of all those things, and I’m not sure how to fix it.
My initial attitude toward self-isolation was that it was a perfect opportunity for growth and getting shit done. When that didn’t happen due to how I was feeling, that pressure become an anchor on a ship that was already sinking. It sucks, but now is the time to just maintain. One of my favorite pieces of advice is to treat yourself like someone that you love. If I knew one of my friends of family members felt this way, what would I tell them? Easy enough. The tricky thing is acting on my own advice. I guess the most important thing right now is to take the pressure off and be content, for a little while, that progress is not an option. As long as I can stay healthy, the house is clean, work goes well, and relationships are maintained, that’s good enough for now.
Lots of you are probably working from home, but a lot of you aren’t as lucky. If you’ve lost your job or can’t find one due to all of this, I’m sorry. Situations like that are what make me reluctant to even write something like this, because I am in a very privileged position. Hell…I still haven’t decided if I’ll even post this or if I just needed to vent. Maybe it helps someone out there to hear that they’re not the only one feeling down, and they needed to be reminded of that today. I guess that’s a good enough reason. So this is for you. I hope you’re doing okay.
If you can relate to any of this, take it easy on yourself. If all you can do after work or school is lay on the couch and watch YouTube, I’m right there with you. It’s alright. Do what you can today, and let the rest go. And hey, you might surprise yourself on occasion. I just wrote a blog post, and that was way more than I thought I could do. Might be a lesson in there somewhere…